Being Hopeful vs. Being Naive

[Schmagoo]

So my partner has been doing pretty well this last week. She's been very good about setting boundaries, being rational and communicative, etc. I feel like when she's like this I start to feel hopeful that some sort of amazing overall change is in the works, but from past experience it usually goes away in a week or so and I end up feeling upset and naive for even thinking it could actually get better.

How do you balance being hopeful that your partner can make progress without being let down when they backslide?

[WorriedWife]

Ready for a frank and honest answer?





Hopeful implies that you think this can be cured. I am not pro integration, so we're not looking for a sense of "fixed". I do look forward to a time where we're more functional as a family, not only bc of her mental health stuff but also her physical health, which is strongly correlated, and my physical health as well.

I totally understand what you mean about good weeks and then backsliding though, in terms of having a fully functioning and communicating system and positive communication between the two of us. Weeks like that make me think maybe we can start planning for the future, family planning, etc... Then things get bad again and I know it is still "on hold".

I can't be hopeful. I just have to be zen and enjoy the good bits. Focusing on what I have lost (there haven't been adults out for more than a day once in the past two years) doesn't do any good. I'm committed to this relationship and at some point it will normalize.

I don't know if that helps or depresses you. I've got friends who say "Oh, I don't know how you do it, I couldn't be that strong" and frankly it really doesn't have the positive reinforcement efffect they think I'll have. It just makes me angry. Why not? If you get married and the person you married gets cancer, you don't get to just opt out. I mean, sure you COULD, but you'd be a major douchebag. Why is mental illness any different?

[One2Sly]

WorriedWife,

BEST ANSWER EVER!!!!!

[WorriedWife]

Wow, thanks!

I don't get to use the word douchebag very often, here, so I'm tickled.

Are things going any better? It's interesting how often things change around here- I feel like I could go through and answer every thread in a totally different way month to month- there's always something different going on. Not a BAD thing, just keeps ya on your toes!!! It's hard to get accustomed to the way things are when they keep changing.

for instance right now the kid parts haven't been around that much nor have the very depressed parts. It's just... sort of going along... she's also got a lot of physical illness stuff so that has been in the foreground.

It's hard to classify how things have been around here. Shifting. Like sand in the ocean. It isn't hard to stay on your feet, you just go with it.

[One2Sly]

Well, on the good side it's agreed that we're in a relationship again. It's still been mostly kids or very young adults/teens for months. I'm not frustrated about it right now though, because i've learned that this is an opportunity to pay better attention and get to know the whole system better, and i've learned more in the past 6 months than the previous two years. I miss the general affection, but it comes in places and that's enough, especially knowing that she's really coming to terms with some hard memories. I'm sorry to hear that your partner has health issues also. May I ask how long you've been together? Your perspective is really encouraging for me. I'm glad this forum is here, even if the participation is limited!

[One2Sly]

OH and also.. you can use douchebag as often as want with me... I do it myself often

[WorriedWife]

My partner and I have been together almost 9 years but the DID dx is only about 4 years old.