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first, like i’ve already been saying, i give myself permission to do what it takes to feel better. the only problem is, i don’t always know how to do that. a lot of the time, i get stuck. when i feel suicidal, that’s just about all that i can see.

if there are times when you DON’T feel suicidal, think about what might have made you feel better when you WERE suicidal. figure out ways of making those things available when you are suicidal. if there is a day when you are feeling better, you might want to find a therapist, or set it up with a friend you can call. let them know how you want them to respond. maybe you just want them to listen. maybe you want them to offer suggestions. you probably have a better idea of what would make you feel better… at least when you are feeling better. (when i’m suicidal, the only thing i can pay attention to is the fact that i’m feeling overwhelming pain. let’s face it, suicidal feelings are the emotional equivalent of breaking your leg. it’s not reasonable to expect yourself to focus on anything else while they are happening. and willpower alone isn’t going to solve the problem.)

another thing you can do when you are feeling better is make a stash of things that, if nothing else, help to numb the pain. if reading helps, have a stack of the books that are helpful in numbing the pain. keep some movie passes in your wallet, so that you’ve got the option of going to a movie and zoning out for a couple of hours. make a list of people you can contact. for me, it helps to note how i can contact them, what times, and what kinds of help they are willing to offer (some people i get in touch with just for company, while others i can talk to about what made me feel the way i’m feeling).

it is also helpful, at times when you are feeling less bad, to spend some time thinking about what it was that triggered the suicidal feelings. as you get more of a sense of what made you suicidal, you have a better chance of being able to solve the problem. i have found it useful to get to know the warning signs that i’m about to be suicidal. even though, for me, it feels like it comes out of nowhere, it really doesn’t. i have recognized that i start to feel anxious, and that feeling will increase until it tips over into being suicidal. if i can address the anxiety before i’m suicidal, then it doesn’t get there, and i feel better. this is really hard to do when i am actively suicidal… i would say that it’s pretty much impossible for me to do while i am suicidal. but when i’m feeling a little more stable, i can make steps to stay even more stable.

for instance, i have learned that feeling overwhelmed will make me suicidal. so i do my best to notice the faint warning signs that i’m getting close to being overwhelmed, and to pull back on my commitments before the feeling escalates.

i also get suicidal when i feel trapped–when something that i normally use as a coping skill is unavailable to me. i’ve worked on adding to coping skills, but this isn’t something i can do when i am actively suicidal. i have to work on building my coping skills when i am feeling better, in the hope that i can use those skills when i’m not feeling all right.

basically, what i’m saying is that it’s a good idea to make a safety plan when you are not feeling suicidal, so that you have something to hold onto when you are suicidal.